Well, there you have it. The deed is done. It appears we are going to have a referendum after all.

 

And not just any referendum. It’s a referendum on national unity. On Alberta. Not Quebec. On Canada.

 

You heard it here first. Unless of course you watched Danielle Smith yesterday or spend far too much time festering on Twitter, I mean X.

 

Last night Danielle Smith delivered possibly the most eagerly anticipated and telegraphed news of the year. We are indeed going to have a referendum on top of the pre-existing referendum.

 

And we now have a question. It’s not the separatists’ question because that one is tied up in court. It’s not the “Forever Canada” question because that one is too straightforward. It’s Danielle Smith’s question. Because.

 

Here is the text of the actual question:

 

Should Alberta remain a province of Canada or should the Government of Alberta commence the legal process required under the Canadian Constitution to hold a binding provincial referendum on whether or not Alberta should separate from Canada?

 

Super convoluted and doesn’t actually have a yes or no answer. Which is kind of annoying but consistent with everything this government does – obfuscation, head fakes, misdirection and pantomime.

 

Here’s my translation:

 

Can we just carry on with our lives as a part of a weirdly flawed but lovable country or do we want this economy cratering, investment scaring and partisan bickering stuff to go on for another five to ten years?

 

And I give it that time frame because door number two in the government question is nothing but a way for the government to drag things out as “process”, rag the puck, blackmail the federal government a la Quebec until such time as they get what they want or Albertans toss the UCP out of office. Equal odds on both. There’s also a school of thought that says this is Danielle Smith trying to placate the crazy separatists in the UCP party executive and save her own job. And this too is true, but there really is no placating that cohort is there. And they also hate this open-ended referendum question on whether to have another more real referendum on a potential negotiation.

 

Look, my purpose today is not to argue for or against separation from Canada. I believe I have made myself crystal clear on where I stand on the subject. And from what I heard last night I was happy that Danielle Smith staked out her position, it’s the least she could do as, you know, the premiere of a Canadian province.

 

I think separation is dumb. I don’t think any sentient being who spends more than two minutes thinking about the subject can avoid coming to the conclusion that an independent Alberta will somehow be “better” than Canada.

 

There will be a time and place for me to lay that argument out for all of you, my readers, to ponder. That will happen closer to the actual vote day. I don’t want to confuse anyone.

 

Instead, I bring a different message today. One that I don’t think anyone will disagree with.

 

Get it f-ing over with.

 

Finish it. Once and for all.

 

Move on.

 

Put a fork in it.

 

Let’s vote already.

 

I’m ready. I just need to know if I am saying Yes or No. Or maybe. Or sure, whatever. Apparently it matters.

 

I suppose the one thing Danielle Smith has managed to achieve in this incredibly awkward and divisive dance she has had to do between the factions in her own party is to move the discussion forward without losing complete control of the process. Even if everyone on every side of the discussion sees through her strategery, by attaching this new referendum question to her smorgasbord October referendum slate she is setting the stage to at least have the option of maybe closing the door on this.

 

So fine. We get to vote as to whether we want to be part of Canada. As well as all the other questions on whether we want to completely change the terms of that participation by reopening the debate on equalization, immigration, appointment of judges etc. Fine. I guess.

 

Interestingly, taken as a whole, all these questions sound more like the platform a political party (separatists or otherwise) might run on, but if Danielle Smith and the UCP brainiacs think they need their policy agenda to be informed by the wisdom of the Alberta electorate rather than their own ideological positioning, I suppose this is one way to go about it.

 

As long as they adopt these policies so that we can then have an actual election on these questions – next year (eye roll).

 

Of course, the separatists are blowing a gasket due to the switcheroo on questions as they seem to believe that they have some type of legitimacy rather than being a special interest group representing some 300,000 signatories (real or stolen? Who knows!) to a question they want answered yes as opposed to now having to explain to their supporters that the correct answer is now no or maybe. The guy in the cowboy hat is threatening to have the UCP call a special general meeting to get rid of Danielle Smith and install a real separatist leader who will scrap this new question and replace it with a binding one on their terms. I guess subversion of voter wishes and tyranny of the minority is now fair game in politics, and it’s sure to win them many, many new supporters.

 

It’s all so absurd that one would be forgiven for mistaking the whole thing for a poorly written Monty Python skit.

 

Hmm… Let’s explore that for a minute.

 

 

 

A separatist enters a government office.

 

SEPARATIST:: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

 

(The person at the desk in the office, clearly the Premiere, does not respond.)

 

SEPARATIST:: ‘Ello, Mister?

 

PREMIERE: What do you mean “mister”?

 

SEPARATIST: I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

 

PREMIERE: We’re closin’ for summer.

 

SEPARATIST: Never mind that, my lady. I wish to complain about this referendum question what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very office.

 

PREMIERE: Oh yes, the, uh, the Separate From Canada Yes or No…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it?

 

SEPARATIST: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lady. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!

 

PREMIERE: No, no, ‘e’s uh,…he’s resting and waiting his turn.

 

SEPARATIST: Look, my lady, I know a dead question when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

 

PREMIERE: No no he’s not dead, he’s, he’s restin’! Remarkable question, the Separate From Canada Yes or No, idn’it, ay? Beautiful opportunity!

 

SEPARATIST: The opportunity don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.

 

PREMIERE: Nononono, no, no! ‘E’s resting!

 

SEPARATIST: All right then, if he’s restin’, I’ll wake him up!

 

(shouting at the envelope)

 

‘Ello, Mister Separation Question! I’ve got a lovely tax cut and export pipeline for you if you show… (premiere hits the envelope)

 

PREMIERE: There, it moved!

 

SEPARATIST: No, it didn’t, that was you hitting the envelope!

 

PREMIERE: I never!!

 

SEPARATIST: Yes, you did!

 

PREMIERE: I never, never did anything…

 

SEPARATIST: (yelling and hitting the envelope repeatedly) ‘ELLO QUESTION!!!!!

 

Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your Canada doesn’t work alarm call!

 

(opens the envelope and waves it around like a crazy person. Throws it up in the air and watches it float to the floor and land upside down.)

 

SEPARATIST: Now that’s what I call a dead question.

 

PREMIERE: No, no…..No, ‘it’s paused!

 

SEPARATIST: PAUSED?!?

 

PREMIERE: Yeah! You paused him, just as he was wakin’ up! Separation Questions pause easily, major.

 

SEPARATIST: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That question is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged gathering of supporting signatures.

 

PREMIERE: Well, he’s…he’s, ah…probably pining for Queebec.

 

SEPARATIST: PININ’ for the QUEEBEC?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got ‘im home?

 

PREMIERE: The Separation Question prefers the humidity and temperature in Queebec! Remarkable question, id’nit, squire? Lovely syntax!

 

SEPARATIST: Look, I took the liberty of examining that question when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been in that envelope in the first place was that it had been GLUED there.

 

(pause)

 

PREMIERE: Well, o’course it was glued there! If I hadn’t glued that question down, it would have slid out of that envelope, floated on the wind, and VOOM! Burst into flames! Or gone oppo directions.

 

SEPARATIST: “VOOM”?!? Burst into flames?!!?!?! Oppo directions? Mate, this question wouldn’t “voom” if you put four million votes through it! ‘E’s bleedin’ demised!

 

PREMIERE: No no! ‘E’s pining! For Queebec.

 

SEPARATIST: ‘E’s not pinin’! ‘E’s passed on! This question is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker!

 

‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t glued ‘im to the envelope ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies!

 

‘Is grammatical sequences are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the ballot!

 

‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!!

 

THIS IS AN EX-QUESTION!!

 

(pause)

 

PREMIERE: Well, I’d better replace it, then.

 

(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)

 

PREMIERE: Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of negative questions.

 

SEPARATIST: I see. I see, I get the picture.

 

PREMIERE: I got a pro-Canada referral.

 

(pause)

 

SEPARATIST: (sweet as sugar) Pray, is it likely to cause strife and partisan conflict?

 

PREMIERE: Nnnnot really.

 

SEPARATIST: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

 

PREMIERE: Look, if you go to my brother’s pet shop in Ottawa, he’ll replace the question for you.

 

SEPARATIST: Ottawa, eh? Very well.

 

The separatist leaves.

 

The separatist enters the same office. The premiere is putting on a false moustache.

 

SEPARATIST: This is Ottawa, is it?

 

PREMIERE: (with a fake mustache) No, it’s Quebec City.

 

SEPARATIST: (looking at the camera) That’s high speed rail for you.

 

The separatist goes to the train station.

 

He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked “Complaints” wearing a name tag saying Carney.

 

SEPARATIST: I wish to complain, Canadian High Speed Rail Person.

 

Carney: I DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!

 

SEPARATIST: I beg your pardon…?

 

Carney: I’m a qualified economist and central banker! I only do this job because I need to make sure my private equity holdings perform well!

 

SEPARATIST: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn’t it?

 

Carney: Yeah, well it’s not easy to build a pipeline and save the environment and grow my portfolio, so here we are.

 

SEPARATIST: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Ottawa train and found myself deposited here in Quebec City.

 

Carney: No, this is Ottawa.

 

SEPARATIST: (to the camera) The government office person was lying!!

 

Carney: Can’t blame Canada for that.

 

SEPARATIST: In that case, I shall return to the office!

 

He does.

 

SEPARATIST: I understand this IS Ottawa.

 

PREMIERE: (still with the fake mustache) No, it’s Edmonton, always has been?

 

SEPARATIST: You told me it was Quebec City!

 

PREMIERE: …It was a pun.

 

SEPARATIST: (pause) A PUN?!?

 

PREMIERE: No, no…not a pun…What’s that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?

 

SEPARATIST: (Long pause) A palindrome…?

 

PREMIERE: Yeah, that’s it!

 

SEPARATIST: It’s not a palindrome! The palindrome of “Edmonton” would be “Notnomde”!! It don’t work!!

 

PREMIERE: Well, what do you want?

 

SEPARATIST: I’m not prepared to pursue my referendum question any further. This is getting silly. Clearly my question is never going to be asked so instead I will pout and complain from the sidelines!

 

PREMIERE:: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly… And now for something completely different! A new question, that makes no sense, not glued to an envelope and most assuredly not dead. Maybe. But a little confusing too…

 

 

 

OK – a little hard to follow, but if this is the craziness that is the process to decide if there is even going to be a referendum question (driven by a highly vocal minority who, again, have zero electoral agency to force this) I can’t imagine what the lead up to the referendum is going to be like.

 

So, to go back to the beginning:

 

Bring it on. Vote now. Vote early. Vote often. Get it out of the way.

 

Enough is enough.

 

We are at a historic global inflection point that says Alberta could be in for the biggest boom in its short, Canadian, history. To miss it because we are caught up in a Python’esque skit of nonsensical hopelessness would be a tragedy for all of us, my kids, your kids and their kids.

 

Get it off the table and move on.

 

Let’s vote tomorrow. The list is available. Send it to me. I’ll vote for everyone.

 

I vote yes. Or no. Maybe. Sure. I think so?

 

Now I’m not even sure anymore.

 

Is okey dokey an option?

 

help