Well, that was quite a week wasn’t it? Some real stuff happened that probably deserves some commentary from me and I think I am up to it. I was going to start on Monday, but I was still exhausted from attending that little Great Gatsby themed shindig at Mar-a-Lago. You know, the party that, as Jon Stewart so eloquently put it, was designed to celebrate income inequality.

I jest of course. I received no invite to that particular party. But I was struck not so much by the hypocrisy of such a lavish billionaire-laden event being held while the government in the US is shut down and millions of Americans are being kicked off their food assistance as I was by the fact that it appears that NO ONE INVOLVED even bothered to read the book and understand that its themes of the moral decay brought about by extreme wealth, the perversion and death of the American Dream, the moral bankruptcy of the elite wealthy, the dangers of trying to live in an idealized past and the recklessness of a focus on extreme materialism and how it empties the soul and leads ultimately to senseless destruction. Beating on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

On the other hand, maybe the party planner knew exactly what they were doing and used this is a unique opportunity to trick a whole bunch of hapless Richie-riches into exposing what and who they actually are, all while the whole world watches.

Excepting Canada of course, because we were too busy watching the Toronto Maple Leafs Blue Jays lose to the Los Angeles Dodgers in what was probably the best and most exciting World Series I have watched in the last 40 years.

And then we had to compound the pain and horror that this defeat brought us by being forced to suffer through Mark Carney’s long awaited and first budget. Canada’s own version of an F. Scott Fitzgerald riches to rags story.

As budgets go, this one was a “whopper” which as we all know is a central banker term for massive over-spending leading to generational deficits and the fiscal equivalent of chaining concrete blocks to our kids’ feet and tossing it overboard and telling them to tread water dammit.

Some of the high(low)lights:

• Record spending and a gut-busting non-COVID, non-Global Financial Crisis recovering deficit of $79 billion. A deficit exceeded only by Trudeau (the elder) and WW2
• Lip service to reining in spending – attrition anyone?
• Weasel words on anything to do with energy – we will maybe get rid of the emissions cap if lots of people, including us, spend lots of money on carbon capture and we are able to keep raising the industrial carbon tax – maybe. (bad)
• Massive investments in the military (good)
• An escape hatch on the housing file funding half the amount they said they would during the election and dropping one of their signature plans (promises? Who needs promises!).
• Moar DEBT! (sure but the net debt to GDP is fine. Wait, what is net debt? That includes CPP? You can’t claim CPP as some kind of asset, it’s segregated. Oops, that number sure goes up quickly. What about when thew provinces are included? Nothing to see here people.)
• A proposal to allow CRA to automatically file tax returns for individual filers (what could go wrong?)
• A clamp down on immigration (good, but only if executed properly and not just through haphazard slashing of TFW programs and schools, wait, who am I kidding)
• Extended window on expensing equipment (good) called a “productivity super-deduction” (cringe)
• A previously announced middle class tax cut (good)
• Scrapping the whole cap gains disaster proposed by Trudeau (very good, but not new)
• And money to help Canada compete in Eurovision (WTF?)

But really, these are just the nuts and bolts of a budget. The spending part. What this budget was really about was “investment”. So much so that the word was used close to 1000 times to describe what is traditionally viewed as “more spending” and reclassify it as something you might be inclined to tuck into your RRSP, assuming that CRA does your taxes properly and tells you that you have enough room.

There is so much spending – sorry, “investing” – in this budget that one would be hard-pressed to come up with any part of the economy that isn’t being sprinkled with LPC fairy dust and borrowed largesse, but fear not faithful readers, because I have personally come up with my own List of Things that Mark Carney and his band of merry borrowers should “invest” in forthwith. Items that will supercharge growth, turbocharge productivity and create generational opportunities that won’t sink the whole titanic ship of state.

A Crypto Reserve

Yes. That’s right. Canada needs its own crypto reserve. Because what better use is there for borrowed money than something that is highly volatile, has zero correlation with any economic fundamental or financial asset and can be easily exploited by criminals, narco terrorists and actual terrorists. Plus the whole grift angle. In order to expedite this, I think the prudent approach is to ask one of the Trump boys to help facilitate the setup.

Quebec

There is really no reason that more money shouldn’t be sent Quebec’s way. They’ve earned it and it’s a fun place to visit. I recommend a minimum cheque of $15 billion. Let them spend it however they want.

The CFL

The Canadian government needs to buy the CFL lock, stock and barrel and save it from itself. Be done with the wacky experiments with changing the field size and moving goalposts around. Save the three down league from more rampant americanization and fire the people who thought “Tuesday Night Football” was a big marketing coup. Think of the nation building opportunity! As the owner of the league, the government can put teams in more cities around the country that desperately want to have professional sports – like Halifax, Quebec City, Moncton, Ottawa, Thunder Bay, Saskatoon and Kelowna. And maybe, finally, hopefully, blow up and rebuild the concrete abomination that is McMahon Stadium in Calgary. What’s that? No money for Alberta? What if we tell the government that Calgary is a suburb of Montreal?

A Ballroom

It’s pretty clear that ballrooms are increasingly popular amongst world leaders and the glitterati. The Liberal government needs to take a cue from down South and get going on our very own $300 million gilded ballroom, complete with chandeliers the size of a Bombardier regional jet and a central stage where such luminescent acts like Katy Perry can perform for all the Canadian jet-setters. Come to think of it, an excellent use of Canadian taxpayer funds might be to contribute to the Trump ballroom, which is of course accepting “donations” but predicate any participation on the swift removal of any tariffs.

A House

Is it too much to ask that the Prime Minister finally have a house that can be lived in by something more civilized than a raccoon? It is well past time that we replace 24 Sussex Drive. We can use some of the money allocated to affordable housing to pay for it.

The Florida Marlins

Look, I understand that everyone was gaga for the Blue Jays this year and that they are Canada’s darlings. But that’s because Canada only had one choice. The reality is that the OG baseball fan in Canada is an Expos fan and we need them back. So, the Federal government should buy the worst franchise in the majors and move them to Montreal and rebrand them the Expos. It’s as simple as that. Note that this is in addition to the money we are just handing Quebec. Oh, and they will need a stadium to play in. So the Feds can build that too. Look at all the jobs we are creating? Just by rescuing a baseball franchise.

Trees

Yes. We need to invest in trees. Maybe about 2 billion of them. And we should plant them. Unlike the previous tree investment. That we didn’t plant. But spent millions on talking about. Nope – I’m talking about genuine tree planting. We can do it if we put our minds to it.

Oil Tankers

OK, I know it’s not a traditional business for the government to be in and that most of the really big tankers are owned by countries like Greece and Indonesia and China. But don’t you think it would a little bit cool if Canada had its own fleet of tankers? Then we could control the export of our own oil by using our own ships! And we could maybe make them clean-powered rather than using all that bunker fuel? And, maybe, follow me on this if you will, if we had our own fleet of tankers we would be able to get rid of our self-harming tanker ban on the Northern BC coast and, you know, be able to export our sweet gooey oil.

The Conservative Party of Canada

Oh, I know. It’s not like you can actually “buy” a whole party, but as the LPC has shown, they are very adept at buying individual members off one by one in order to feather their nests and get the results they want. You would think that with the general sentiment to having another election being somewhere between “what” and “are you f*^#ing kidding me?” that the CPC would be able to get some pretty good terms for selling out to the Liberals. It’s not like everyone has to suddenly go along with it. It’s pretty much guaranteed that leader Pierre Poilievre might not go along, but then he’s been a bit out of step with the party since he lost his first seat in the April federal election. I bet it wouldn’t even have to be a cash investment (although it might still be generational). Think big – get rid of the emissions cap and we cross the floor. Badaboom, badabing.

OK, enough fun. What investment do you think I am really interested in? It’s simple. And they conveniently rhyme.

A Pipeline

That’s it. That’s the investment. A pipeline that carries oil. Preferably to the coast. Where it can be put on boats and sent to people that want to buy it. Is that too much to ask?

A Second Pipeline

That’s it. That’s the investment. A pipeline that carries natural gas. Preferably toward the east coast. Where it can be liquified and put on boats and sent to people that want to buy it. Is that too much to ask?

A Third Pipeline

That’s it. That’s the investment. A pipeline that carries oil. Preferably to the US. Where it can connect to the US pipeline network, maybe in Cushing and then be put on boats and sent to people that want to buy it. Is that too much to ask?

Sure, I have a one-track mind, but if we are going to blow everyone’s money “investing” in everything and the kitchen sink, surely us surly Albertans can get a few pipelines out of the deal.

Quebec gets the Expos, we get the exports. Seems fair.