Crude Observations

Pre Mid Year Blues

June 14th already? What happened? It feels like just yesterday it was June 13th. And the day before was January 1st. As most of you know by now, the mid-June blog is mostly a random walk as I am in full battery recharging mode getting ready for the rapid fire series of blogs that is going to be the traditional Canada Day celebration of canuckleness, my mid-year forecast rehash, the Stampede celebration and then, sweet merciful crap, I leave on vacation for multiple weeks when the only thing that will cause me to publish will be if it is raining and I’m in a pub. And I will be in Ireland, so that seems likely.


At any rate, random walk it is as it has been a somewhat unremarkable week, unless you are into foreign interference in elections and politically motivated tax increases. Or Canadian hockey dreams being crushed.


As you know, I have ranted about the latter and the former, while treasonous under most circumstances is completely not surprising to me so much as to not register. Have you ever participated in a nominating process? It’s the most corruptible part of our electable system. And it is regularly corrupted at the municipal, provincial and federal levels and until the parties come together to enact actionable and enforceable change, spare me your hand-wringing about diaspora or special interest groups stacking nominations to their advantage.


Okay, enough politics for now. It’s June 14th and we all know what that is. No, it’s not Flag Day in the United States. Well, OK, it is.


But today, and today only, there is another option. And it may involve some KFC, or a hamberder. At the very least something orange.


What do I mean by that?


Well, you see folks, I’ve been invited to a birthday party. And it’s not just any birthday party. Did the bucket give it away? I guess it did. That’s right. I am going to none other than Donald J Trump’s 78th birthday party.


How lucky am I? I hear it’s going to be a doozy. Some of the best people are going to be there. Only the best people. Oh, and me. The best.


And as luck would have it, I have a guest list and on the guest list, all attendees must register what gift they are bringing the Donald and write a small note explaining the gift because quite frankly some of them are weird. I thought it might be for national security reasons but I guess it’s just to weed out the cheapskates and communists.


Me, I’m bringing the bucket. All white meat, 12 pieces. Original recipe. OK, 8 pieces, I got hungry. But I figure I’ll be OK – I don’t think the Don can eat that many pieces.


The fun part of course is to see what other people are bringing.


Justin Trudeau – On behalf of the people of Canada, I am proud to present two gifts this year, the second being a late addition. The first gift will be a no questions asked scholarship to the Petawawa Techincal School and Bible College for Recently Deceived immigrants. This should lead to your Permanent Residency in 1 to 9 years. The second gift is that, if you win the election, you will likely only have Pierre Poilievre to deal with, so no chance Melania will be hypnotized by my dreamy Liberal eyes.


Vladimir Putin – As representative of Mother Russia and in full celebration of the great friendship between ourselves, I am pleased to present to the Mr. Trump victory in the 2024 election. Trust me. We have hacked everything. Hunter Biden cannot win. I just need Ukraine.


Saudi Arabian Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman – Saudi Arabia is the greatest friend to the President and we are pleased to present to you the rights to build Trump Mecca, a spectacular hotel/office complex not more than 100 meters from the Hajj as well as another $ billion to your son-in-law’s private equity fund, as long as he promises never to make an investment.


President of Iran – the greatest gift of all came from a guest who wasn’t invited and who probably doesn’t really care about the birthday and that was a ginned-up pretext to engage in ever more hostilities towards Iran and distract from the ongoing impeachment discussion.


Chinese President Xi – The People’s Republic of China is pleased to offer Mr. Trump a provisional agreement to drop all tariffs and continued low cost production of goods for export to the United States as well as the termination of theft of intellectual property including any patents registered by one Ivanka Trump. In exchange, please ignore a minor territorial dispute with the pesky island next door.


Mexican President-elect Claudia Sheinbaum – Mexico is pleased to present a solid gold avocado placed inside a scale model cage. And a portable wall that you are free to place at a location of your choosing and claim we paid for it.


Japanese President  Fumio Kishida – After much deep thought, we in Japan are fairly certain you don’t know who I am or where my country is so we present to you a personalized Pokemon Go app. Hopefully you will find it a welcome distraction on the campaign trail.


Charles, the King Dammit – My dear Donald, in light of your recent felony convictions and concurrent inability to visit your UK based golf courses, I present to you an eminent domain seizure notice and a foot in the ass courtesy of mommy.


The Vatican – On behalf of the Pope and the entire Catholic faith, we present to you our prayers, in which we promise to appeal to the big guy himself not to be too harsh in his eventual judgement since you are after all, just flesh and bone. And sin. A lot of sin.


Vlodomyr Zelensky – Thanks for nothing Donald. You blackmailed me and got impeached and my country still got invaded. Now you want back in to you can hand off half my country to a dictatorial thug. What did we ever do to you? Can you even find us on a map? An altas? A dictionary? Ukraine gives you a bombed out Russian tank.


Joe Biden – Don, I truly appreciate the invite. I’m truly unsure what to get the man who has everything, so let’s start with an awkward man-hug that’ll last just a few seconds too long. After that I may need to take a nap, since I’m sleepy after all. Then I’ll wake up in time for November 2024 and I’m pretty sure I’ll give you an old-fashioned whuppin ‘cause of all your felonious malarkey. Enjoy!


Jack Smith – Happy birthday Donald – I can call you Donald right? I’m the one prosecuting you for stealing classified information and storing it in the shitter at Mar-A-Lago. You realize this was bad, yes? Well my present for you is along those lines – I’m finally going to release those health, dementia test, IQ tests, tax returns and college transcripts you’ve been bragging about for so long. Who’s deranged now Donnie?


Danielle Smith – this present is conditional, but if Justin Trudeau is reelected next October and you cheat your way into the White House this year, we would be happy to make Alberta your 51st state. We have lots of oil by the way. In case you weren’t aware. So much oil you could stop tweeting “drill baby drill”. We’d get a pipeline with that, right?


Doug Ford – Hey neighbour, thanks for having me. I see someone has already brought you a bucket of chicken so I can’t give you that (it would have been re-gifted anyway), but what I did bring is this box of nifty labels with your name on them. And some batteries. They are heavy, so don’t put them on a boat. If you happen to win in 2024, don’t forget who brought you chicken, OK? Please?


Barack Obama – Well Donald, it’s hard to argue that I have already bestowed on you the greatest gift possible – a roaring economy on the day you assumed the Presidency, and then you squandered it away with tax cuts for the super-rich, a chaotic pandemic response and a series of increasingly terrible decisions. What a track record. Here’s my birth certificate. Will you go away now?


OPEC – We present to Mr. Trump money.


Hillary Clinton – While I don’t really know why I am here, I may as well play along. So here’s a thumb drive with all my missing emails. Happy reading. You will note that almost half of them are calendar meeting requests and the rest are from Nigerian citizens offering to pay me millions of dollars if I help them move money out of the country. Perhaps you might be able to help them out with all of your various banking relationships. Am I president yet?


Marjorie Taylor-Greene – Donald, Donald, Donald. What can I give you that you don’t already have? My devotion.


JD Vance, Marco Rubio, Nancy Mace, Elizabeth Stefanik – Please pick me. Please, please, please pick me. Please. Puh – lease. I really want to be picked. Pick me. Please. Can I kiss you? Please. Pick me.


Donald Trump Jr. – Dad, can you believe that I didn’t get an invitation to this party? Again? What is that, 15 years in a row? If I didn’t know better, I’d think maybe something was going on. Anyway, I know just having me is a gift, but here’s some rails to hit.


A jury of his peers– Dearest Donald, you are guilty as charged. Sure this wouldn’t have gone to trial if you were just a regular citizen, but it is because you a so, so special and great, like nothing we have ever seen before that this trial had to proceed. Your gift is that we all agreed – step by step, trial by trial and jury by jury, you are reuniting the country.


Kim Jong Un – As the supreme representative of the people of North Korea I have thought long and hard on this. What gift can I bestow on the person who has given me the greatest gift possible – legitimacy and a love letter. Any gift will pale in comparison to your elevation of my state. But I do know this. We have wonderful missiles here in North Korea, so I am going to name one in your honour and let you choose where you want it sent. But make the target big – the guidance systems were built in Russia so we really don’t know where it will land.


Taylor Swift – Stop saying my name.


US Supreme Court – In a split decision decisively along partisan lines, the Supreme Court is pleased to give you both cover and free rein. And declare you a god. Watch out America!


So there you have it. Quite the collection of gifts for good old Donald Trump isn’t it. And surprisingly creative given how many government types there were!


That’s it. I’m out of stuff.


Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there including my own! And to those that are missing theirs, know that you’ll never walk alone.

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