I am reupping this annual missive to the Canadian May Long weekend for several reasons.
One – I am tired and need to be a reposter for a bit but I know you all like this annual reminder about Canada’s greatest holiday after the Annual Poutine & Maple Syrup Festival.
Two – It’s rainy and cold, my wife is out of town and I’m in the office so if I have to suffer, you have to suffer.
May Long. The best weekend of the year for us Canadians. Any number of reasons. Primarily it is the first long weekend of the year where we aren’t typically house bound. Secondly, because of history.
What history you ask? Well let me edumacate you.
We used to call it Victoria Day in honour of the birthday of Queen Victoria who ruled the Commonwealth for what, 250 years prior to Queen Elizabeth the Second and just after the 1500 year reign of Queen Elizabeth the First. I’m sure there was someone else in there, I seem to recall a few Georges, maybe Charles the Waiter. But I digress. Victoria Day. She was important.
Except in Quebec, where antipathy to the monarchy has always necessitated a need to celebrate a different day so it became rebranded there as Dollard Day (not to be confused with Dollar Days at Zellers, a defunct department store which has now been reborn as a hip and retro-styled nouveau Dollar Store, complete with 1950s style cafeterias serving mashed potatoes and ham), a celebration created by Lionel Groulx in the early 20th century to honour a dude named Adam Dollard Des Ormeaux, a French settler and explorer who ambushed and massacred the Iroquois just west of Ville Marie, which ultimately became Montreal. Oh, and he died in the battle.
Recognizing that celebrating this “martyr” was not consistent with, well, sensitivity to First Nations, the Quebec Government rebranded it as the much less nationalistic and provocatively named Fête nationale des Patriotes or National Patriot’s Day, celebrated exclusively in the “nation” of Quebec. While the “patriots” they celebrate are the precursors to the constitutionalists who collectively sought to bring about freedom from British Imperial rule, the true champion is Louis-Joseph Papineau who ultimately led an armed rebellion in 1837/8 (ironically the first year of the reign of, you guessed it – Queen Victoria). So as always, it is about Victoria.
And yes, everyone in this weird story is a Metro station or neighbourhood in Montreal, even Victoria.
At any rate, I digress. Here in the world at large, our collective memories have faded and as political erectness has become the flavour of the day, the whole thing morphed into “The May Long Weekend” and “the weekend after all Canadian teams have been eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs” before eventually simply being branded as “May Long” which of course is Canadian shorthand for busting out the grill, going camping, planting flowers and gardening, leaving work early and otherwise whiling away the days on a patio/deck/whatever enjoying the first warm and sunny weekend of the transition to summer.
Oops – I know and almost forgot. Victoria Day, as it was, was first to be celebrated on May the 24th which of course was her birthdate. So initially it was the May 24th holiday, then May 24th Long Weekend which Canadians replaced in the vernacular as May Two-four because as anyone who has ever met a Canadian knows, a two-four is a Canadian flat of beer and the traditional house-warming gift or party contribution from any true red-blooded Canadian. None of those nonsense 15 or 18-packs you see in the US. 24 beers or Take off, eh?
Anyway, first outdoor long weekend of the year. 24 Molson Ex, sunshine, camping, biking…
Ahh, I can feel it now (slowly turns his chair and looks out the window – oh yeah, rain). That’s right, I almost forgot. Cold and damp. At least it’s not snowing. Because that also happens a lot.
Yup, that’s how it works here in Calgary. The odds of having garbage weather on this particular weekend are extraordinarily high. So much so that people count on it. In fact, we laugh uproariously at those poor suckers from Toronto and Vancouver who have moved to Calgary in search of affordable houses and have gotten fooled by the last few weekend’s incredible weather and planted annuals that will more than likely die a frosty death as you pound your 24 in the basement.
To be honest, the weather for this particular Canadian weekend is in fact so predictably unpredictable that any government worth its salt would likely have a cabinet post or ministry to deal with it.
Call it the Ministry for Unpredictable Long Weekend Weather.
Of course, with the current Liberal Carney government we know that the odds are likely that this post would be filled by some recently elected Ontario MP, likely from the Brampton area. Why Brampton? Why not? Probably because it is such a fertile place for cabinet ministers. In fact, Brampton is so prolifically ministerial that they have 3 cabinet ministers, which is equivalent Cabinet representation to the provinces of British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan and Manitoba combined.
Not that we notice such things out here or anything, but the population base is close to 12 million people so… I feel I need to head into this long weekend with a letter of advice to our Man of the Moment and SaviourTM – the Honourable Mark Carney, Prime Minister and MP for Nepean, oddly nowhere near Brampton, but next to Carleton which famously punted Opposition Leader Pierre Poilievre.
I guess my point to Mark Carney is:
“Mark – can I call you Mark? I feel like I can… Anyway, Mark. As you head into this May Long, I want you to think about some stuff. You were elected with a theoretical national mandate for change and action and given that that was what you ran on, I am somewhat confused as to what the point of your new cabinet really is.
You’ve recycled a bunch of the previous government’s most disliked ministers into new roles, including the on-again, off-again Sean Fraser into the Ministry of Crass Opportunism and Injustice and Anita Anand, who was once heading for splitsville as well, rewarded with the Ministry of Surely She’s Better than Joly
Meanwhile you have appointed as Minister of Unaffordable Housing a Vancouverite who oversaw a doubling of housing prices while mayor of Vancouver and some non-descript Albertan (Edmontonian) as the Minister of Missed Nets.
We’re not bitter. We get it. Especially in Calgary. We know you’re an Oilers fan. The hatred for the Heart of the New West from the City of Former Champions runs deep – just like Montreal hates Toronto. We didn’t actually expect a major ministry for our one lonely seat in the city, but we thought for sure we could do better than Elbows Up to our aspiration of participation.
I mean if you could appoint someone so completely out of touch with any part of Canada outside of his constituency as Stephen Guilbeault as Minister of Canadian Identity (Nope, not made up, that one is real – WTAF dude?) surely you could have appointed your only Calgary MP as Secretary of State for Western Alienation.
But really, take a step back. Are you not missing the best part of this whole cabinet nomination thing? Take the Ministry of Canadian Identity. Aside from its decidedly awkward and patronizing name, the very existence of the single-issue department is kinda bizarre, no? Is this a thing with your new government? Will we see more of this? We need answers. And Guilbeault – well enough said.
And really Mark, why should Quebec have all the fun with the kooky departments? Why can’t other provinces and jurisdictions have their own non-traditional departments and ministries to represent specific interests or serve a special purpose?
Look, I’m not talking the Ministry of Silly Walks or anything that radical, but small-budget, targeted departments that could, much like the Ministry of Canadian Identity, fulfill a specific function for your Liberal saviour government. At least until you get around to issuing your crisis budget – current timeline April 2026. Seems late, but you’re the genius central banker economist, so you must know what you’re doing.
Anyway Mark, let’s you and I have some holiday weekend fun with it. And you know what, I’ll go first. In fact, keep your ideas to yourself – I’ve got this.
Canada West to East and let’s see where it goes. Everyone gets one or two. Except Ontario that gets eleventy-two. You know, for balance, like your current cabinet.
British Columbia.
Ministry of Hypocrisy – this one is pretty easy, but low-lying fruit and cheap shots is kind of par for the course for me these days. This ministry in the province of British Columbia will exist specifically to manage and deliver government policy and positions that both suck and blow. For example, one policy platform they are required to manage is the promotion of natural gas development and export from the coast while vigorously fighting against the export of oil from the same coast and port. Another key plank will be the “we never wanted your expanded pipeline, but we want more deliveries because our over-taxed gas is so expensive”. See how easy this is? I don’t know who should head this department, maybe the post should be assigned to Jagmeet Singh as a reward for collapsing his party and handing the government to the LPC.
Department of Expensive Houses and Rampant Homelessness. This is really a national portfolio and should be seen as complementary to the Housing Minister except this one will have a mandate to reduce the price of houses by any means necessary and finding actual ways to help people own aside from maintaining the status quo of paying lip service to trying to build more supply. Ideas to pursue include “raising incomes” and “fast tracked construction of houses people want” and youth employment. Perhaps encouraging large employers to relocate to less populous areas to alleviate housing demand in crowded cities. Like why does the “whole work from home” Public Service need to be in Ottawa? Can we not move CRA to Brampton?
Alberta
OK, I gave this one away above. We need. Canada needs. Mark Carney needs. A Secretary of State for Western Alienation. Are we not tired of all this nonsense talk of Alberta separation and referenda? Danielle Smith stoking the fires to keep her lunatic fringe in order and stop her government from splitting into factions? Using the separation cudgel to avoid any deep analysis into her UCP government’s abject failures on so many other fronts like health care, education, industry oversight and favours for friends and connections? Does the LPC want to know why they are so deeply unpopular in Alberta and much of the West or is it too much trouble to hop on a plane and meet with non-government people. There is anger here. And it’s real. A lot is fringey whining but a lot is not. 25% support for separation shouldn’t be swept under the rug or dismissed as Maple Leaf MAGA. It’s real. And since I keep bringing it up, I’ll volunteer for this role. God help me.
In 2019, the newly elected Kenney UCP government pledged to “end the war on fun”. And I concur – it’s high time Alberta ended the UCP government’s decidedly unfun approach to everything. I think it’s high time Canada had a Ministry of Fun, since as we all know, nothing puts the fun in “fun” more than government.
Saskatchewan
Often cast as a wallflower in the heated intensity that is the debate about Alberta oil and gas production versus the insidious incursions of the federal government and the obstructionism of the BC government, Saskatchewan is no shrinking violet in the energy production discussion. That being the case, wouldn’t it be grand if Saskatchewan had a Ministry of We’re Here Too? They could travel the land, preaching the gospel about Rider Nation oil production, showing people out east that no, the Bakken doesn’t just stop at the North Dakota/Saskatchewan border like the maps show, but extends well into the province. Other duties could include inter-provincial participation in such weighty matters as Western Alienation, pipeline escape routes, Al Capone’s secret tunnels and tanker bans.
In addition to oil, Saskatchewan is home to an abundance of natural resources aside from wheat (so much wheat), canola (you’ll always be rape to me) and uranium. Nope, Saskatchewan is also one of the largest producers of Potash in the world. So they will also get the Secretary of State for Negotiating Potash Tariffs.
Manitoba
First up is the Ministry of Playoff Choke Jobs. I don’t know what it is with the Jets who went from the single most exciting Game 7’s I’ve ever seen to meek resistance against an undermanned Dallas Stars team (even though they won last night). Not to outdone, the Maple Leafs are solidly on board with this misery. It’s a co-ministership – split between Connor Hellebuyck of the Jets and Auston Matthews – two of the best players the US has produced in the last 10 years and each wearing the goat horns in this post-season of futility for anyone aside from the Oilers.
The second ministry for Manitoba is the Ministry of Provincial Leaders Who Should Run Nationally. Since Wab Kinew is currently busy being the most effective and popular premier in Canada I will assign this role to Alberta expat Rachel Notley who may be the key to reviving the DOA national NDP.
Ontario
A senior ministry that it seems Ontario needs just about now is the Ministry of Oh God, What Have We Done. This Ministry, which will report to the Health Ministry is laser focused on providing mental health support and counselling to any and all Ontario voters who are experiencing what can only be described as an acute form of buyer’s remorse as they come to the realization that they have handed Doug Ford a THIRD CONSECUTIVE MAJORITY GOVERNMENT. Nominated minister is of course the last leader of the Ontario Liberal Party – whoever that was.
The next ministry for Ontario is the Ministry of Universe Centering. The mandate for this ministry should be clear to everyone. It is to remind all Canadians about where key decisions are made and to whose benefit these decisions should accrue. They will be laser focused on discussing the Gardiner Expressway and bike lanes in downtown Toronto (heh) and the future of Ontario Place (where is that anyway?) while ignoring issues that are brought up as legitimate concerns from areas that are not, well, universally centred or Brampton. With most of the Ontario population already in Cabinet in some form or another it is hard to pick an ideal minister – but in this case I truly believe it needs to be a prominent Torontonian. How about Chrystia Freeland? I know she already has a job, but she seems like a good fit.
Quebec
Ah Quebec. There are so many ministries we could create here, not the least of which would be a French Language Ministry. The purpose of this ministry would be to mandate and regulate the use of French in the province, measure the size of English letters on signs, force multi-national businesses to francicize their names, create duplicate French websites and otherwise be a kind of French language police. Oh wait. That already exists. Ah, parody. Mock thyself.
OK then, what can we give Quebec? It has to be something different because they are distinct after all. A couple of ideas…
The Ministry of Canadian Identity already exists so the hilarity of having it located in Quebec and led by an individual who is as diametrically opposed to how Canadians view themselves has already been fully flogged.
I know – uniquely Quebecois – the Ministry of No Pipelines Anywhere Anytime seems like a good one to locate in the province that gladly takes equalization payments funded by the oil and gas industry (indirectly, directly, whatever), refuses to develop its own resources and is one of the largest buyers of American oil in the country. Oh, did I mention that when confronted with a new pipeline from Alberta (Energy East – still a dumb idea) they said no. And when presented with a pot of gold LNG project they also said no. It seems the only energy project they will say yes to are the ones out west that fund the have-not provinces.
The Ministry of Rug Sweeping will be tasked with hiding/obfuscating from the rest of Canada and Quebec itself all the inconvenient fossil fuel facts about La Belle Province, such as the existence of major refining complexes on both the island of Montreal and Levis near Quebec City. Other tricky subjects they will cover up will be the hundreds of thousands of barrels imported by multiple daily oil tankers plying the Saint Lawrence River, the nation-leading SUV purchasing growth in the province and that Quebecois gas consumption is both the fastest growing and highest per capita in Canada. Oh, and there’s a pipeline that passes under the river to the Island of Montreal. So there.
The Department of Don’t Look Behind the Curtain will do its best to hide some of the “inconvenient truths” about Quebec’s anti-carbon bonafides starting with the interesting tidbit that Quebec’s cap and trade program, approved by the Federal government actually results in a cost of carbon lower than the federal minimum and less than that imposed by the Federal government on other provinces that don’t have their own plan – like climate scofflaw Alberta. Oops! Also hidden by this department will be the concrete plant conceived and built without real environmental consultation of substance that has carbon emissions as high as 2 million tons per year. Plus, they will run the headfake on anyone who dares to question the greenness of hydro and will gloss over the methane trap that is the flooded regions of Northern Quebec that made all this green power possible. Shh – nothing to see here!
Maritimes
Sorry, this is getting long so each maritime province gets only one ministry which is the opposite of their actual influence in Federal politics where the small population in the region dwarfs, for example, the influence of various Western provinces.
New Brunswick will get the Ministry of Refineries since the largest refinery and the largest importer of oil in the entire country is located there. I am not sure who the minister will actually be but my guess is that they will rhyme with Irving.
In Nova Scotia we will locate the Ministry of Good Intentions to reflect the provincial government’s efforts to break down inter-provincial trade barriers in Canada. We all know this ministry is unlikely to have a big track record of success unless the Centre of the Universe plays ball, but hey, they are trying.
PEI will be home to the Ministry of I Should Really Visit There which will be dedicated to getting Canadians to travel outside of their personal bubble-zones and vacation in all the spots in Canada that we continually talk about visiting but rarely do, because it’s easier to go to the US.
Newfoundland and Labrador’s most excellent ministry will be the Ministry of Other Canadian Oil Patches that will be dedicated to promoting the oil and gas industry outside of Alberta and will try to put a happy face on the industry by running amazing ads that feature spectacular vistas and ask viewers to call “Pam” for more information.
Oops – the Territories!
I almost forgot – we have Northern territories that are vast, untamed and part of our Arctic security blanket and, at times, coveted by the US, China, Russia, Denmark and anyone with an eye to exploiting rare earth minerals and energy and resource bounty. These territories will be home to the Ministry of Leave Us the F Alone. I don’t know who the minister here will be, but rest assured they are armed. You have been warned.
There you go. Long weekend silliness.
Now I’m going home.
Mark – I hope you have a great May long. Finish up that 24 and get to some actual work.